The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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