Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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