last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
