So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
