i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
