Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
