Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
