I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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