Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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