you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
