I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
