I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
