I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Come on in and take your pants off
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