I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
