Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize