The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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