I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
