do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
