Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
