you win again, gameday.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
