I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
