I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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