U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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