You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
