How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
