If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
