nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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