What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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