It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
