smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
