Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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