i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize