I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
