sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
