I'm eating all of the evidence.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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