if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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