I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
