i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
