You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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