I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
