i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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