cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
