Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
