Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
