My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize