thus making me awesome and them whores
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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