My liver just broke up with me...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
