who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
