he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
