I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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