Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
