worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
