i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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