Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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