i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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